If you want to have a Torah-based relationship with your wife [or husband], there are two layers. That is a model for life in general. Two layers.
LAYER ONE
The bottom layer is to be a normal human being. Normalcy is relative term. Everybody has different needs, wishes, desires, hopes, aspirations, habits, inclinations etc. etc. and these must all be respected. If a guy likes dinner ready on time then his wife should have dinner ready on time. That is normal. He has a desire - she tries to please him.
She hates doing dishes - so he tells her with a smile that it would be his HONOR to make sure the dishes are done every night!! [Then he goes out and buys a dishwasher...]. She has a task she doesn't like and he respects that and does it himself. He JUMPS out of bed to get the crying baby so his wife can sleep. She needs her sleep because she works two full time jobs - her day job and being a mother. A man usually only has one full time job. Have mercy on her:-).
There are countless examples. Another of course is sexual. Never discussed after the chosson/kallah classes end but critically important which is why I bring it up on the blog from time to time. Bad sex - bad shalom bayis. Bad shalom bayis - problems with children. Bad shalom bayis - stress, anxiety and loads of other problems. I can't emphasize this enough. So he likes certain things - she pleases him. She likes certain things - he pleases her. Chazal were very clear [Nedarim 20b]:
G-d bless Chazal for paskening for people to be themselves. They say - have a good time.
Be normal. Be yourself. That is a lesson in all areas of life. Be a human being. Don't be what you read in a biography that they invented or embellished but what you are. [Rav Eliyashav didn't become Rav Eliyashiv by reading his biography but by being himself].
LAYER TWO
Be holy. Sanctify your eating, drinking, leisure time, social interactions, sexual intercourse, work and everything you do. We have a mitzva to be holy. קדושים תהיו. Don't be a בהמה. The world has so many - we don't need any more. Learn Torah as much as you can. But remember - ואנשי קודש תהיון לי - Be holy people. Holy but people. A BEAUTIFUL SYNTHESIS. Don't deny your emotional and physical needs - but try as much as you can to sanctify them. Think of Hashem all the time. Thank Him. Cling to Him. Develop a relationship. It is the only relationship that will last forever based on how you developed it here in this world.
If one isn't a person he will be an emotional wreck. If he doesn't strive to be holy he will likely turn into an animal.
