R' Yoni Lavie
Last night
I left you with a bad feeling from out talk. I am not even sure that
we can call what happened between us a discussion or not. I felt much
more like I was taking part in a duel – two warriors who were
involved in shouting at each other and causing harm, without trying
to arrive at any new place. I assume that you, like me, went to bed
unhappy and frustrated, with it being clear that we cannot continue
like this anymore...
Today
is a new day, and I am sitting in my room trying to write to you. My
thoughts are racing through my head, and with the help of this page I
am trying to organize it all, and to analyze for myself what I feel
on the inside.
Abba,
you said to me yesterday that you do not know me anymore. That
something bad has come over me, and you can no longer see in me the
child that you knew all those years. What can I tell you, other than
that you are right? That sometimes I look in the mirror and even I
don't recognize the person I see there?
It
is not only the two of you, Abba and Imma, who don't know how to
react to this phenomenon that is called adolescence, I also sometimes
get an upset stomach from what I am going through. I am confused and
upset, and sometimes I feel swept away like a little leaf blown
around in the wind. Sometimes I get the urge to run quickly in one
direction, and the next day I might be pulled in the opposite way.
There are things that I feel that I must try, even though while I am
doing them I know that they are not good for me and that the next day
I will regret what I have done. Sometimes I feel that this is
stronger than me, this urge to try and to feel by myself, to learn
things the hard way all the time. Can you understand this? I admit,
there are things that I do simply because others are doing them too,
and there are things I do differently, so that I will be different
from the others. What can we do, that is the way I am now.
What
do I want from you, is that what you ask? In this raging maelstrom,
it would help me very much to know that you will remain calm and
stable. If you could be some sort of anchor for me to grab hold of in
this mess that has swallowed me. Even if I will not accept everything
you say, the very fact that you state your opinions in a way that is
stable, clear, and well explained can help me organize things and set
me on a straight path. Even if I sometimes cross the borders that you
set for me, I don't ignore them completely. I always try to keep my
eye on the limits, even if I have moved a few steps beyond them.
Please
do not be upset by my text responses to you – my exaggerated use of
such words as "stam," "klum,"
or "sababa," among other things. Don't lose your
cool from my constant repetition of the sentence, "Enough, Imma,
stop digging for dirt!" This is the language I use, even if you
aren't in the mood to "like" it in facebook all the time.
If this will cause you to stop asking about me and showing an
interest, I will be very upset.
I
want you to know that now and then I go along with some things in
your speeches and scolding. But do you know what has the greatest
effect on me? It is what you share the essence of your lives with me.
If you go on and on about values and ideals but our Shabbat table has
the feel of a neighborhood gossip club, and matters related to money,
politics, and fights between neighbors are what we get throughout the
meal, I get a very strong message ... Abba, when you go to a daily
Talmud lesson, bone weary after a day of hard work, it impresses me
and moves me in the right direction, even if you fall asleep on the
bench, much more than a thousand discussions about the importance of
studying Torah.
And,
by the way, when you are with me do me a favor and put your
cellphones on silent. Instead of giving me a five minute introduction
about how much you love me and that I am the most precious thing you
have, can you maybe demonstrate that this is true? And no, don't peek
at the screen to see who is calling in the middle of our talk. This
gives me a really bad message about how unimportant our talk is to
you.
If
I have started on this subject, I will take the opportunity to ask
you about one more very small but very important item. Don't make
disparaging remarks to me when there are other people around. It will
be much easier for me to take your comments seriously if you speak to
me quietly, when we are alone. Abba, if you scold me or even make a
small comment in front of my friends, you can rest assured that not
one word of what you say will get through to me, no matter how right
and justified what you say is.
If
at times you make a mistake (yes, this can even happen to you), don't
feel that it is beneath you to apologize. If you made a mistake about
me and hurt me without justification, an honest apology will cause me
to appreciate you much more than before. And it will also teach me to
do the same when it is called for.
Also,
don't be afraid to tell me about your mistakes. I will not have less
respect for you because of them. Just the opposite – I will
appreciate your honesty. I will also appreciate hearing how you
corrected your mistakes and how this led to improvement on your part.
I
will also be very happy if you let me into your world now and then.
Ask my opinion about things that happened to you, ask for my advice
(even if you don't really intend to listen). This will give me a
feeling that you see me as an adult and that my opinion can be
important to you.
And
here is the last thing: Do me a favor – make sure that the internet
in our home is protected. I am embarrassed to ask you for this
directly, so that you will not begin to investigate and ask me
questions, but you should be smart enough to understand this on your
own. When the line is open, it puts me in a terrible situation! And I
haven't yet said anything about the new smartphone that you bought
me, which stays with me wherever I go. All the money you are
investing in the prestigious yeshiva high school where I study is
liable to go down the drain because of a momentary downfall.
Only
you, with your credit card, can install a filtering and protecting
application. This will not make the struggle go away, but it will at
least channel things in a more reasonable direction...
In
the end, Abba and Imma, after all the fights and anger between us, I
know that you love me, and I want you to know that I love you too.
Watch out for yourselves and stay healthy, just for me. I need you
very much. I don't have any other parents than the two of you.
All
the best,
Your
son.
